Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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