there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
