Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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