How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
