dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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