Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
