I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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