she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
