her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
