Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
