So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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