Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
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Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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