I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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