Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
