does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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