Just fell off a train. Bad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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