soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
