Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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