i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
