He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
