Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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