i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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