she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
