I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
