I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
