in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
