There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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