My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
