I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
