We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
