I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
