you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
