I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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