I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
