I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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