We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
