Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
