I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
