Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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