Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
