You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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