I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
