you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
