I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
