i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
