The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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