FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
