I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
