i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
