from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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