I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
