i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
