So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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