shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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