I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love having hate sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
