Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
