the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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