I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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