its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
