no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
