You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
